Jeff Taylor
Why I Embrace Geekdom
An Engineer's Life
February / March 2005
Volume 3 Number 1
I am an engineer. Like other super heroes, I did not choose this immense burden. Rather, it was thrust upon me by a series of cosmic events set into motion ... a long time ago, in a galaxy ... well, let's just say, it wasn't nearby. I did not strive for the awe-inspiring ability to fix a computer in an instant with just three fingers (<Ctrl><Alt><Del>) I did not yearn for powers that enable me to force a VCR to yield to my will, and record reruns of Mama's Family every evening at 6:30. It was not my desire to have the wherewithal to solve complex story problems without the use of pencil, paper or calculator. These super-human powers were bestowed upon me to use for the benefit of humanity.
But with great power comes great responsibility. I must use these gifts carefully so as not to frighten or alienate the public. I must not flaunt my powers. Although I do not need to read those silly little instruction manuals that come with "high tech" gadgets these days, I try to give the illusion that I'm struggling through them. It makes me appear more human to normal humans. While I'm out driving the highways and byways of this great nation, I don't need to stop and ask for directions. Although my pseudo-circular navigation may indicate to some (my wife in particular) that I'm hopelessly lost, I'm actually performing a spiral search pattern, ever vigilant for citizens in techno-distress.
When I incorrectly install a set of batteries in some gadget, it's not because I failed to note the battery direction indicator, however small and obscure. I'm simply performing a reverse voltage polarity test on the device. The frantic switching of switches and the violent shaking of the gizmo are all part of a thorough test. Why do I do this? Because I can. I always forward the results of the test to the product's manufacturer. Who wouldn't want such valuable in-field test data? Those manufactures whose products fail the test (smoke, sparks, blood loss, etc.) receive a stern reprimand, usually by certified mail. Like my superhero brethren, I'm compelled to perform this service for the world.
My superhero disguise is vital to my ability to move among humans virtually undetected. My appearance directly affects my ability to complete the work for which I've been chosen. I must blend in with society while projecting a non-threatening appearance. This is not without its pitfalls. Don't think for one second that I actually enjoy dressing in clothes that are at least two years out of style. You know what I'm talking about. Not trendy enough to be in fashion, while not retro enough to be hip. Unfortunately, these are my work clothes, so I try to think of them more as a uniform. While I don't wear the same thing all the time (it changes several times a week), my "costume" is nearly as recognizable as that worn by Superman, and certainly that hack, Batman. By the way: Batman is not a real superhero. He doesn't have any superpowers. He's just a spoiled, rich, brat with a huge chip on his shoulder. "Boo Hoo. Some bad guy killed my parents. Now I'm going to make every other bad guy pay for it." Give me a break! And that Utility Belt! Talk about a "Fashion Don't!" A nice fanny pack will hold just as much stuff, without making your hips look big under your cape. Trust me on this.
I've never had a pair of glasses whose functionality was improved by the use of duct tape. That is not to say I've never used the wonder tool. I'll throw a little on every now and then, just to keep the illusion alive. It inspires citizens to muster up their own ingenuity and try to be more engineer-like. Who knows? The world's next Heloise could be staring at me in the elevator, or wasting my time at the ATM, trying to figure out a way to redeem her grocery store frequent shopper points for complimentary tickets to the Dr. Phil show.
Perhaps our next MacGyver could be disturbing my nap while wrestling with Windows, trying to determine when to double-click and when to single-click, or hogging the microwave at lunch time trying to resuscitate a sassafras and spinach side salad.
Even if I'm delayed by the auto industry's next Manny, Moe and Jack and their failed attempt to negotiate the dreaded four-way-stop, whenever there's a cry for help, I'll be there. In fact, there's an urgent need for my assistance right now. I just overheard someone say, "What are all these other buttons for?" It must be a calculator crisis! Sounds like another job for an ENGINEER!
Jeff Taylor has made it perfectly clear who he is and what he does. He did not mention, however, that he works for Applied Technology Associates, Albuquerque.
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