Brevity is (Occasionally) the Soul of Wit

An Engineer's Life

August / September 2005 By: Jeff Taylor Volume 3 Number 4

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I'm an engineer. Occasionally, I'm asked, "Why can't engineers answer a simple question in 25 words or less?" The answer is, "Well...it depends."

Usually, when someone concedes to asking an engineer, the problem is far too complex to be answered by a normal human. Otherwise, why would they be wasting my time? It's not like I try to encourage such behavior. I'm not trying to make it an enjoyable experience for the asker. I don't light scented candles, put on a pot of chamomile tea and settle in for a deep and meaningful discussion. Hmmm —€¦ Maybe that's why I never get asked any of those "meaning of life" questions.
It's unfortunate, because I've got some radical new ideas on that topic.

When I get questions like, "Why is the sky blue?" I could answer with a narrative on how water vapor in the air refracts light is such a way, and how the photoreceptors in the human eye sense various wavelengths, and on and on.
But that discussion is far more than 25 words. It's easier to answer, "The sky is blue for the same reason the —€˜Blue Screen of Death' is blue—€”because Bill Gates wants it that way." And that answer is fewer than 25 words. I win, right?
Wrong. I get chastised for being just another flippant engineer. On the bright side, though, they don't ask me that question again. A minor victory, I suppose.

At last check, I don't have a sign over my office door that reads, "Information." At an airport or shopping mall, those information booths are everywhere, and they're staffed with perky, gregarious people who are primed and ready to attempt to answer any question you have. But ask them to tell you how the automatic door knows when to open as you approach, and they'll probably be found hours later curled up in the fetal position near a dumpster behind the All Natural Fruit Smoothie Shack. And why anyone would want to staff the "complaints" desk is beyond any cost/benefit analysis I've been able to work through. Those people are literally asking for abuse!

There are times when I'm asked a question that can only be answered with another question. I need more information before I can disseminate the appropriate answer When someone asks, "How do you disarm a cold war-era nuclear warhead?" I have to respond with, "Why do you need to know?" Then, the answer is usually something like, "Cut the red wire. If that doesn't work, cut the blue wire."

An engineer looks for the most logical answer to a question. For example: "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" Well, I doubt the vultures circling overhead are motivated by an uncontrollable avian longing to be "close to you." It's more likely due to a lapse in personal hygiene, that oh-so-trendy kielbasa necklace you're sporting, or a very high-fiber diet. And unless your name is Dr. Dolittle or Beastmaster, I strongly suggest you seek medical attention immediately. Or, at the very least, have your aura cleansed.

Sometimes the appropriate answer to a question is more philosophical than technical. That's not to say engineers aren't philosophical, but let's be honest here—€”the great philosophers weren't exactly known for their cool gadgets. To make the answer more interesting (to the engineer, of course), an engineer will usually change the question slightly to make it more technical. For example: Question: "Does God exist?" Answer (engineer): "Well, the more pertinent question is: Does God run Windows or Linux? Is God a Mac or PC guy?" And, once again, we're talking about what I want to talk about.

So, there you have it, the answer to your question. And, in 700 words! A new record for me.

Jeff Taylor works for Applied Technology Associates in Albuquerque.